How Not to Harm My Children during Divorce
She stayed with him, biting her tongue, flinching every time he touched her shoulder.
Questioning herself. Wondering if she was being unreasonable. Wondering if she just tried a little harder, she’d find him attractive again, they’d laugh together, she wouldn’t feel the weight of carrying the family’s emotions. Try just a little harder, and she’d be free from being the emotional buffer, the peacekeeper.
She’d be free to love herself and him, and they wouldn’t be facing divorce.
And then, one time, a turning point. An event that made her realize, my children are being harmed from us being together.
Finally seeing … they feel the tension, see the flinty stares. Without words, without space to share their feelings, they begin to act out. Do things that seem crazy.
On that day, she realized divorce was what was needed to give her children a chance at a better life.
To do this, to help them thrive during and after divorce, she practised:
Telling her children
I love you.
It’s not your fault. Dad and I stopped bringing out the best in each other. This isn’t fair to you, so we’ve decided to separate.
Dad is still part of our family. Just because the two of us don’t do well living together, doesn’t mean you have to give him up.
We’ll make this work.
I love seeing you come home from dad’s with a smile on your face.
Not saying anything negative about their other parent. They love him. This comes first.
Giving her children chores, like doing the dishes with her, or setting the table. Everyone in the family contributes for the family to thrive.
Testing out nesting, with her and their dad coming and going from the family home. Adjustment is easier in a space in which the child is familiar.
Seeing and treating their dad as another player on their family team, instead of as an enemy.
Accepting without any judgment, in a co-parenting situation, that her children will act-out the first day they return to be parented by her.
Giving up the need to control what happens at dad’s house. If the children don’t come home battered and brusied, all is well.
Showing herself grace when there are bumpy moments.
Showing her children grace when they act out and falter, instead of judging their behavior.
Committing to act so that the children can have the best relationship possible with the other parent.
Not making the children feel responsible for her feelings.
Asking the other parent first before registering their child in an activity, especially if the activity takes place during dad’s parenting time, or if she expects dad to contribute financially.
Not expecting the children have two pairs of winter boots and two winter coats: one for her house and one for dad’s.
Everyday, when she wakes up or puts the children to bed, telling them what she appreciates about them. Every single day.
Not expecting dad to change. How he acts has nothing to do with her. It’s dad being true to being dad. Nothing more or nothing less.
Not referring to the children’s dad as her “ex”. Instead, refer to him as her “former spouse.”
Realizing it makes children stronger, more resilient, to be exposed to two different ways of being and interacting in the world.